so this is what disillusionment feels like...
I was just reading Cza’s entry for today. Damn, it scared me. It was like reading something I could have written today had I just logged-on earlier. It scared me because I don’t want anyone I care about to feel anywhere near the way I felt today. And even yesterday, for that matter. To describe it without all the sugar-coated psychobabble crap, I felt like shit. And you want to know what the shittiest thing about feeling shitty is? It’s that I have no one to blame for it. Except myself. See, when you keep quiet for an entire day, isolating yourself from the rest of them, you do nothing but think. At least that’s what I do. Too bad my thoughts today consisted mostly of torturing myself with every negative thing I could possibly think of. And all the while I had to keep my face neutral. No emotions there. And exactly like my best friend/cousin, I’m tired. Heck, I’m fucking exhausted.
I want out, but I know I’m not going anywhere. I’m trapped. And they surround me on all sides. So I tune them out. I can see their lips moving but I don’t even bother to listen. They all look so animated, making me think that they actually have something to say worth listening to. So I try listening in. It starts out as a buzz in my head and grows to a deafening screech. I just want my silence back. They make nothing more than noise. Which is why I choose to keep my mouth shut as well. I have nothing to say, nothing to add to all their misguided enthusiasm.
Why are we here? I sit in class everyday wishing for the tiniest spark of interest in what I’m doing. And yet I know an exercise in futility when I see one. I’d like to see someone, anyone, who is truly passionate about becoming a financial analyst. Or a manager. Or, God forbid, an accountant. Cut the bullshit. We all know it’s the money we’re after. And we defend this by saying that once we’re “financially stable,” we’ll be free to pursue our dreams. Sorry to spoil the life plans but dreams don’t wait. And by the time we reach our desired level of financial stability there will be no dreams left to pursue. That’s the immense weight that’s squashing me into the ground. I’m trapped. And there’s no way out.
***
I honestly don’t want to post this. It's too depressing. But all this has been running through my mind for a couple of days and I need to get it all out of my system. I want to shake off this depression, and I’m getting there. I’m lucky, I have people on my side who get me, or at least try to. I have someone who will go to any extreme lengths just to get the tiniest smile out of me. The same someone who can hug all the depression out of me.
To cza, if you read this, I hope you know that I'm ready to be part of your safety net. Heck, if I can call you in the middle of the day, sobbing because of my petty insecurities, you'd better be able to do the same with me. And I wish this depressing post didn't add to what you're already feeling. If it does, you're perfectly free to have a hissy fit the next time I see you.
posted by Chrissy @ 2:26 AM
2 Comments:
Maybe there really is a point in our life when we have to experience this?
Or maybe we're just the select few?
How bout all this being in our blood?
Everyone of us is haunted by insecurities and feelings of guilt at night I believe. I guess, we (that's the two of us) are more vulnerable to the feeling we're feeling right now.
We have so many things going on in our lives lately. To be specific, so many stuff bottled inside us. Yet, we should still be proud and be thankful. We're not crap like most who rebel or get addicted to drugs and shit for having a sucky life...
Maybe we should do something like the debudante diaries or something to that effect. A blog. That's ours. Cuz honestly, haha, our shit is worth reading in the future. Bridget Jones' like or the gossip girl entries...if you know what I mean.
At least we get to let it all out in a way we always liked... writing. I mean, typing if you want it to be technically right.
only... too bad i've deleted my last entry.
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