Monday, March 5

rantings...

I think that my last post may have been misunderstood. I definitely didn't mean that I'm losing hope for this country. Not the case AT ALL. I consider myself incredibly lucky to be even living here. To quote my favorite prof, who I just recently interviewed, that "no-hope" attitude is just a nihilistic perspective. And besides, I think that people who have had such a comfortable life here in the Philippines have absolutely no right to say that there's no hope here. He also said that there are two kinds of people, with regard to this issue. There are the "no-hopers" who leave and don't look back, and there are the people who leave for practical reasons but would much rather be here and have all intentions of coming back and serving their country. The second kind I admire and emulate, the first I detest. And I know the first kind very well. I'm related to a lot of them.

Anyway, what I meant was that, my idealism for myself and what i can do is slowly fading away. Everyone expects me to be this whizkid. I haven't even started working yet and already I have responsibilities to deal with and expectations to live up to. Failure really doesn't figure into the equation they fit me into. And I'm just plain tired. Suddenly I wish that I wasn't such an overachiever. Could I really be burning out at the age of 20? Probably not. Saying that just makes me a spoiled and ungrateful brat. I guess I just have to get over myself. But the failure thing, that might take some getting used to.