Saturday, June 18

so this is what disillusionment feels like...


I was just reading Cza’s entry for today. Damn, it scared me. It was like reading something I could have written today had I just logged-on earlier. It scared me because I don’t want anyone I care about to feel anywhere near the way I felt today. And even yesterday, for that matter. To describe it without all the sugar-coated psychobabble crap, I felt like shit. And you want to know what the shittiest thing about feeling shitty is? It’s that I have no one to blame for it. Except myself. See, when you keep quiet for an entire day, isolating yourself from the rest of them, you do nothing but think. At least that’s what I do. Too bad my thoughts today consisted mostly of torturing myself with every negative thing I could possibly think of. And all the while I had to keep my face neutral. No emotions there. And exactly like my best friend/cousin, I’m tired. Heck, I’m fucking exhausted.

I want out, but I know I’m not going anywhere. I’m trapped. And they surround me on all sides. So I tune them out. I can see their lips moving but I don’t even bother to listen. They all look so animated, making me think that they actually have something to say worth listening to. So I try listening in. It starts out as a buzz in my head and grows to a deafening screech. I just want my silence back. They make nothing more than noise. Which is why I choose to keep my mouth shut as well. I have nothing to say, nothing to add to all their misguided enthusiasm.

Why are we here? I sit in class everyday wishing for the tiniest spark of interest in what I’m doing. And yet I know an exercise in futility when I see one. I’d like to see someone, anyone, who is truly passionate about becoming a financial analyst. Or a manager. Or, God forbid, an accountant. Cut the bullshit. We all know it’s the money we’re after. And we defend this by saying that once we’re “financially stable,” we’ll be free to pursue our dreams. Sorry to spoil the life plans but dreams don’t wait. And by the time we reach our desired level of financial stability there will be no dreams left to pursue. That’s the immense weight that’s squashing me into the ground. I’m trapped. And there’s no way out.

***

I honestly don’t want to post this. It's too depressing. But all this has been running through my mind for a couple of days and I need to get it all out of my system. I want to shake off this depression, and I’m getting there. I’m lucky, I have people on my side who get me, or at least try to. I have someone who will go to any extreme lengths just to get the tiniest smile out of me. The same someone who can hug all the depression out of me.
To cza, if you read this, I hope you know that I'm ready to be part of your safety net. Heck, if I can call you in the middle of the day, sobbing because of my petty insecurities, you'd better be able to do the same with me. And I wish this depressing post didn't add to what you're already feeling. If it does, you're perfectly free to have a hissy fit the next time I see you.

Saturday, June 11


pahabol... our last night and ge's first, next year we should all go at the same time Posted by Hello

thoughts on the back to school process

i should have posted these pictures weeks ago. but i was lazy. my entire summer was a sluggish blur. as far as i know i did nothing remotely productive. now im being continually jolted by reality. like an annoying poke in your side when you're in a deep dreamy sleep. and it won't stop despite the many times i try to shake off that invisible hand. reluctantly i rub my eyes and everything gradually comes into focus. there it is again, the bleakness of my life staring me in the face. my old friend accounting is back to loom over me. and there are more of them this time, like an expanding black cloud which will eventually burst out in a storm of misery right above my head. depressing i know. im in a prison of my own making. i cant help but relive the carefree days of summer. which is why these pictures are surfacing now. they will serve as a constant reminder of what i have to look forward to next summer. but until then im on survival mode. partial isolation - nose in my book, music blasting through the earphones, just an occasional smile, nod or monosyllabic response. yep that will keep me sane.


my last look at least 'til next summer :P  Posted by Hello


i'd go back if only to see this again Posted by Hello


just one of our many coco nights.. Posted by Hello